So, they got rid of one of my project managers...for so long, i thought added responsibility would at least make me feel important and maybe then i would be content...i'm finding it's still not enougn and i would still rather motorcycle across south america and beyond...my greatest regret is that i didn't go to the cheapest college i could...oh to be free of these societal restraints...oh the wondrous things i would do...and it would all begin with buying a guitar....

Today i was ruminating on a book i read, well, reread about two to 3 months ago...it's roughly about a man on a mission and he happens to be immortal...at the end, becuause he's been alive so long...everything is jumbled together...his memories a mixed together like a hand across wet paint on a canvas...it made me wonder if that's what happens as we get older.  I remember memories from my youth, they were vivid and true...but already i forget things.  things that should leave an imprint on my mind are forgotten in seconds...and i move on...is this what we are doomed to?  to remember the pains of our youth in vivid detail but forget what happened last week?  does everything start to blend together?  is my dad correct in saying that you go to be one day, and the next, you wake up and you're 40 and you recall nothing...?  and what of my past...am i really thinking about this?  could it happen?  is this what I want?

So, recently found old middle school classmates who i haven't seen or heard of since middle school on facebook...it's really really weird.  second blast, jsut saw a thesis defense of research that progressed from mine...i still contend, the only useful stuff came out of my tests...the only useful design aid came from brandon...and the only useful experimental program planning came from me.  i cant' believe the lack of planning on their parts and the lack of purpuse (they being the professors)...they never seem to ask themselves "what is the purpose of this test, what am i trying to get out of it" and they all seem to be worried about their egos and what they want to beleive.  Aka, steve mayin vs roeder.  oy...makes me wonder if i were to try to apply to berkely if i would be rejected because of working with roeder and lehman...not that i would...though i do kind of miss the lab and the long drawn out project....i prob should have gone to lunch with them all...but i need to not talk about that stuff....

I"ve never seen a city or any populous so into an election.  While i was shocked at the disrespect shown to McCain during his concession (at the Moe Bar), i was impressed by the excitement and believe in Barak Obama.  This has been an incredibly memorable election and i, for the first time, feel a bit patriotic...but not for America, but rather for mankind.  there is still hope for us yet.  here's hoping the next four years make us completely forget the last 8....

So, NaNoWriMo started this weekend....dont think i'll be doing it...well, may attempt a few days, but there's no way i'll finish it by end of month...unless i write all of tgiving weekend...and other evenings...

heard a quote from Obama today that made me fall for him all over again...he said it's not about bigger or smaller government...it's about BETTER government...he then went on to say he's trying to change the debate and said McCain says the same republican tags they've been saying for 30 years and what has become of it.  god, seriously, if Obama loses, we deserve everything we get and we definitely don't deserve to vote of be the land of opportunity. 

I wish i could be happy for other people.  for some reason though, the successes of my friends just make me think about what they have and I dont...it's cost me a few friends in the past, and i'm afraid it may cost me more...

well, i'm going to give it the old college try and, assuming they approved my application, i'll take the PE exam in Cali...however, in two days of 8 hours of studying each, i haven't gotten through the first of 5 large topics...not to mention the seismic and surveying portions...so, yep, i'm hosed...at the same time, it was hinted to me that if i take the PE, my bonus will have a little something extra...sometimes, i just want to quit...and others, i feel motivated...now, i'm feeling motivated, but no time for anything...

This election really scares me.  It's bringing out the worst in the general public and our politicians.  Where did we go wrong?  Do people really believe these things?  i think what really gets to me is all the hateful things being said and being justified by one sided answers.  one side says palin has no experience.  the other side calls sexism and argues that Obama has less experience...and while none of the candidates has ever been a governor, except for palin being governer for 1.5 years in alaska (lots of space, very few people and very disconnected from the world).  People also say they dont want on the job training.  however, that's what it would be for McCain regarding the economy.  and Palin regarding everything.  And again, when did being an Elitest bcome a bad thing?  Also, when did being a Socialist become synonymous with being a satan worshiper.   I'm made my decision becausee i want someone smart in the whitehouse.  maybe someone with little experience but with common sense.  someone new and fresh who can lead the party in a new direction.  because i for one do not like where either party is headed.  I like Obama's ideas.  I like the people around him and i think that he'll govern effectively and in a better manner than McCain and Palin.  I also feel that McCain is realizing he's probably not going to win.  And he can't be any reasonable means.  His ideas are of republican ideology.  if he strays too far, he alienates the base...but not far enough and he'll never attract the independents.  The fact is, with the economy in the tank, spending power declining, and a dried up credit market, people are looking for populist solutions.  the way out of a recession, despite what republicans believe, is from the bottom up.  if you put money in the hands of the poor and the middle class, the wealth will trickle up.  largely because americans like to spend money.  they're not going to save it.  by putting money in the hands of the weathly and businesses, you're just helping business and rich people get richer.  the money doesn't trickle down because investments are all about getting more for less money.  if i give a manufacturer more money, he's going to use that money to buy a machine and replace 3 workers...leads to higher profits and makes the shareholders happier.  I'm sure we'd also see, by looking back, that executive pay and bonues increased astronomically over the last 2 decades, as opposed to your average worker or salaried employee who all have seen their spending power eroded as salaries have not kept up with inflation.  regardless of who gets elected, i think the department of treasury will do the same thing...the only question is what the unemployment numbers will be, what the increase in the poor and homeless will be, and if anything will be done to help them.  

on a side note, people llike to blame the unions on GM and Ford's demise.   this is not the case.  the problem with american car manufactures is they way they're run.  they got happy selling SUV's and so that's where they made their money.  now that SUV"s are out, american car manufacturers have nothing else to make money on.  also, they tend to make a certain number of cars and then sell them.  japanese auto manufactures make cars for the number of orders they get.  and, since they came into the game later, things are much more efficient.  american car manufacturers haven't changed much.  Unions may not always help in problem times, but they're not the scapegoat the republicans would have you believe. 

secondly, why is the government always about helping small businesses...why is it so uncommon to hear about helping the worker...oh yes, i forgot about american's unexplainable fear of anything that is even remotely related to communism (workers of the world unite)...why are americans always so seemingly afraid of things they dont understand or are told to be afraid of? 

on a side note, im reading a book about the history of the ottoman empire and a lot on the overall pictur of islam can be gleaned...i feel like it's a religion that's just 5 or so centuries behind the christian religions...(however, i think these are regressing)...it's still in the phase where it can't separate religion from every day life.  part of the problem, is that the overall power of the state still lies in the hands of the religious leaders...through the pressure of the mob...even if they themselves don't govern.  until that stranglehold can be broken...things won't change.  and the key to all of the issues, is education and cultural exchange...ironic how our government can't seem to put a finger on this.  it's hard to change the minds of adults...but at school, you can present ideas to kids...ideas they would never ever hear about in their homes...there's a reason muslim countries don't want women to be educated or allowed to vote...it's for fear of losing control to a feminist movement that might somehow subvert the power of the religious leaders (who are all male)...it's funny though, all the atrocities they commit on their own countrymen and women...alll for stupid infractions....too bad they don't value life better....

Sigur Ros = awesome show

Today is the first day i've experienced in Seattle that actually feels like a midwestern fall day.  the air is mild, 60 to 65 degrees, but there's a brisk strong wind, the leaves are blowing around, and the sky is full of large grey clouds, but it's not raining.  it's just like i remember it.  it even smells just right.  i'd love to take this as a sign...a sign of what, i dont know.  but i hope its a sign becuase that would be awesome. 

I need a challege...something i want to work for and can remember myself every second of every day that this is my goal and this is what i have to do to achieve it.  i want to be aware and accepting that it will take time and nothing will be accomplished right away...it may be a while before any progress is noticed.  i'm not sure what that challenge is or how to approach it, but i need something.

lastly, i need a tattoo idea.  i want something that means a lot to to me...something abstract....something simple.  something that people may ask about and i can smile at the memory and say it's personal but here's the gyst. 

hmmm...is it just me, or does listening to Biden and Palin (almost rhymes) debate make one want to move to cuba...talk about uninteresting and jumpy...these people can't stay on topic for more than 2 sentences....


i think Palin was caught off guard about Cheney's interpretation of VP being under the executive or legislative branch of government.  She did not answer the question.


She makes me sick...literally...

The economy is in the tank, americans are stupider than ever...the intelligentsia have become the hunted...and ignorance is a desirable trait.  what's going on?  is this the new depression?  is this communism?  when did Joseph Stalin become president? are we stuck until the market bottoms out?  when will my job become a problem?  will there always be work?  what about my contemplated career change?  if i decide to go into anthropology, would i go bankrupt and be jobless for the next milleneum???  Maybe i should become a singer song writer and give up once and for all on society.  i'm tired of talking...i'm tired of thinking, i'm tired of second guessing what i want because i can't muster up any of my own enthusiasm...i have enthusiasm...i think i'm going to start using it.  well, i hop i will...there i go again mr. carter...sheesh...

now i'm wishing i was that dude on top of the Olive 8, he's probably a construction worker or foreman...i bet it's a nice view and there's a lot of sun....i fear my parents will have to work until they die...

Since when has intelligence become synonymous with elitism?

no, i really couldn't possibly care less.

I'm not answering my phone today.

I'm receiving Persepoles today via netflix.

And I got $600 knocked off of my traffic fine.

yep, still not feeling anything.

So, is anyone else alarmed at McCain's pick for VP?  she actually favors teaching intelligent design at public schools....this is unforgivable...i would vote for Paris Hilton before I would vote for McCain/Pallin, now...i mean, come on, McCain is probably going to croak on the campaign trail, or just before the inaugoration, at least, meaning she would be president.   this is not a knock on a woman...this is common sense...just as religious fanatics dont want evolution taught to their children, i dont want intelligent design taught to mine...why can't we just leave the question out of public education, the key words being "public education"...until they can show me a shred of proof that there is some omniscient programmer out there calling the shots (and if so i would like to issue a formal complaint, i mean, come on...what kind of dimwitted fool would allow what occurs on this planet to occur) i dont want to read it on the same page as the word science.  Science is rooted in theory, hypotheses, experiments and observation.  If you have faith, fine, by all means, believe in intelligent design, but do not corrupt the minds of the few actually intelligent kids in our schools...Just because you may believe something does not make it right.  

Today i got a glimpse of what the future holds for seattle....old man in a utilakilt drinking decaf...

I apologize to everyone.  but these past few days, well...i've felt rather antisocial...i need some space from the people around me to get a better fixation on myself.  too often i find myself affected by the people around me.  i tend to make what they want into what i want.  thus, the more time i spend around people, the more confused I get....it may be one of the ultimate reasons of why i can't stand to hang around people for more than a few days at a time...and why i need my space and time alone.

Today i was grappling with the idea that maybe i'm not doing what I want to do...and that there's something out there that would actually provide me with satisfaction...something i could maybe commit to.  something i could call my own and actually care if i suceeded or not but wanted to give my all regardless...i feel lost again.  like i need some time away...but i cant' seem to get it...and i just can't seem to see the light at the end of this tunnel of debt...i hate how money governs us and how the only way to get ahead is to work more hours...it's an endless cycle that leads to darkness and the absence of satisfaction...

I was in a weird mood this morning...almost hoping for a sign, something new...something vivid.  it's really gray today...the kind of gray that occurred a lot in northeast ohio.  Yesterday, i finally got washington plates for my car.  the last vestige of my connection with my birth state is now gone...destined to spend a few years nailed to my wall until thrown out with a careless toss during a move to a new apt, house, city, or maybe even a country...I've never thought that i would ever end up back in Ohio...but it's a whole other story to accept this as reality. 

I"m listening to Sigur Ros, and i'm so glad I blew the money and got tickets to their show in October.  it's such emotionally vivid music...moreso because a lot of the lyrics aren't even real words in any language.

On my commute to work, as I was saying, i want to see something, some spark of life.  I wanted to see one act of kindness...of selflessness, or even just a smile.  A smile in response to something or someone on the bus or on the street.  But I saw nothing.  it was like asking and waiting for my faith in the world to return.  But everyone was cold and still.  Movements were automatic, typical of any other Tuesday, or even any other morning or any other day.  There was no spark.  Everything and everyone was just like everything and everyone else.  I think i just want something different before it's too late.  already I find myself getting used to words like "the daily grind".  I"m not ready to just sit back, give up, and do nothing until death greets me with the same emotionless stares I saw today. 

I just want to fade away into the scenary a little until this mood passes...though i'm afraid that if it passes...it will be too late.